Thursday, January 31, 2008

My husband taught me a lesson.

I decided to write about something very personal to me today. I have talked about many issues here on my blog and I feel that this one is just as relevant.

My husband told me that he had cheated on me while I was pregnant with our first child.

Whew! There I said it. I feel relieved.

Was it a difficult thing to here? Lets just say that I am pretty sure I know what it feels like to be stabbed in the heart: literally.

I thought about our "love" for one another. I tried to wrap my head around what he may have been thinking about when he was doing it. Was he "loving" me when he was F%&King her? Did he completely separate the two. Did he care for this chick(who he saw for 8 months. He did everything with her:AND I MEAN EVERYTHING!

I think that stung the most. Knowing that nothing we have done together is reserved for just me. It means you do it for performance props and not because your passionate about me.

I hated him for a while. I cried. I felt ugly. Ashamed.

Its funny how all those emotions I used to feel when I visited the neighborhood playground returned, "Get outa here Tar Baby!", or"If your darker than this paper bag, I can't play with you." That's what my playground experiences consisted of. Degradation, humiliation, and feeling unworthy to share the same laughter and joy as others.

But I had to snap out of it and really analyze my feelings.

Why am I hurt my this?
My answer: Because I thought we had come to a point in our "relationship" where trust wasn't an issue. I thought that he had matured though experience and he was finally happy with me.

What made me assume that he'd mature?
My answer: I thought that the risk of losing our relationship was enough to motivate him to change.

He has done this before, so why am I taking this so personally now?
my answer: Because I was pregnant at the time. I never planned to have another child. Gosh! My oldest daughter was 14 years old already. After many years of begging for a child, I finally give in and that's when you decide to cheat! I thought that by giving him what he wanted, that would make our relationship stronger.

How do you feel about him and the relationship now?
my answer: I know that something is gone inside of me. Would I secretly meet someone else? Will I eventually leave? These are things I had absolute answers to before all of this, and now, I didn't know.

I am not having a pity party everyday, that's not the way I want to live. But I do have a greater understanding about relationships and why certain woman go for security and not love. I now understand why multiple wives may not be such a bad thing for some women who understand the "bottom line".

Having an emotional connection to a man is a dangerous game and you may not get the pay-off you expect. Why do I say this? Because there isn't a woman I know that hasn't been through a discretion in a relationship; not one! But yet we do things to compromise our happiness and our mental and physical well-being everyday.

I realize now that I truly love my girls. When I thought about love, I immediately pictured my girls. My husband, I love him in a different way now. A 'take it or leave it sort of way'. I have no expectations about it, it just is what it is.

Its funny how we go through life trying to please people, but these same people do what they do to please themselves. You may occasionally make a breakthrough or win your plea for new drapes or a trip to Rome etc.. But you ultimately have to find that happiness within yourself.

I start my day in gratitude for waking up, for seeing, for breathing, for my children and for my husband... and this sets the tone for the rest of my day. It keeps me focused on the things that make me feel good.

It brought me back to when I first met Dr. Cornwell and learned of the Sisterlocks system. I was afraid to do it for fear that my husband wouldn't like it. I loved it, but I sacrificed my own happiness for what? For fear. That's what! We don't realize how much of what we don't do is because of fear.

Who wants to live like that!

Listen to me. Don't look for your worth from anything outside yourself. Your self image and what you want to represent to the world, make that something you decide on your own and without fear the outcome. Being dissatisfied with yourself is just as bad as any cheating husband, stealing, betrayal...

Get and do what makes you feel happy. You know when its right for you because it makes you feel good inside, you know its bad for you when it does the opposite.

Sisterlocks makes me feel so good and that's how I know that its in line with me. Its what I want to represent right now.
As for my hubby, I am glad he told me. It forced me to look at myself, and I know a lot more about me than I did before. I am actually happier with me because of it.

Because no one has the power to take joy from me anymore. That's it. I don't expect anything from him anymore. and its o.k. I will remain positive, loving, supportive, not because I'm looking for a pay-off or to manipulate: its just who I am!

I feel relieved too! I now don't do anything that makes me feel pressured and uncomfortable and that is a great space to be in one's life.

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