Thursday, January 31, 2008

My husband taught me a lesson.

I decided to write about something very personal to me today. I have talked about many issues here on my blog and I feel that this one is just as relevant.

My husband told me that he had cheated on me while I was pregnant with our first child.

Whew! There I said it. I feel relieved.

Was it a difficult thing to here? Lets just say that I am pretty sure I know what it feels like to be stabbed in the heart: literally.

I thought about our "love" for one another. I tried to wrap my head around what he may have been thinking about when he was doing it. Was he "loving" me when he was F%&King her? Did he completely separate the two. Did he care for this chick(who he saw for 8 months. He did everything with her:AND I MEAN EVERYTHING!

I think that stung the most. Knowing that nothing we have done together is reserved for just me. It means you do it for performance props and not because your passionate about me.

I hated him for a while. I cried. I felt ugly. Ashamed.

Its funny how all those emotions I used to feel when I visited the neighborhood playground returned, "Get outa here Tar Baby!", or"If your darker than this paper bag, I can't play with you." That's what my playground experiences consisted of. Degradation, humiliation, and feeling unworthy to share the same laughter and joy as others.

But I had to snap out of it and really analyze my feelings.

Why am I hurt my this?
My answer: Because I thought we had come to a point in our "relationship" where trust wasn't an issue. I thought that he had matured though experience and he was finally happy with me.

What made me assume that he'd mature?
My answer: I thought that the risk of losing our relationship was enough to motivate him to change.

He has done this before, so why am I taking this so personally now?
my answer: Because I was pregnant at the time. I never planned to have another child. Gosh! My oldest daughter was 14 years old already. After many years of begging for a child, I finally give in and that's when you decide to cheat! I thought that by giving him what he wanted, that would make our relationship stronger.

How do you feel about him and the relationship now?
my answer: I know that something is gone inside of me. Would I secretly meet someone else? Will I eventually leave? These are things I had absolute answers to before all of this, and now, I didn't know.

I am not having a pity party everyday, that's not the way I want to live. But I do have a greater understanding about relationships and why certain woman go for security and not love. I now understand why multiple wives may not be such a bad thing for some women who understand the "bottom line".

Having an emotional connection to a man is a dangerous game and you may not get the pay-off you expect. Why do I say this? Because there isn't a woman I know that hasn't been through a discretion in a relationship; not one! But yet we do things to compromise our happiness and our mental and physical well-being everyday.

I realize now that I truly love my girls. When I thought about love, I immediately pictured my girls. My husband, I love him in a different way now. A 'take it or leave it sort of way'. I have no expectations about it, it just is what it is.

Its funny how we go through life trying to please people, but these same people do what they do to please themselves. You may occasionally make a breakthrough or win your plea for new drapes or a trip to Rome etc.. But you ultimately have to find that happiness within yourself.

I start my day in gratitude for waking up, for seeing, for breathing, for my children and for my husband... and this sets the tone for the rest of my day. It keeps me focused on the things that make me feel good.

It brought me back to when I first met Dr. Cornwell and learned of the Sisterlocks system. I was afraid to do it for fear that my husband wouldn't like it. I loved it, but I sacrificed my own happiness for what? For fear. That's what! We don't realize how much of what we don't do is because of fear.

Who wants to live like that!

Listen to me. Don't look for your worth from anything outside yourself. Your self image and what you want to represent to the world, make that something you decide on your own and without fear the outcome. Being dissatisfied with yourself is just as bad as any cheating husband, stealing, betrayal...

Get and do what makes you feel happy. You know when its right for you because it makes you feel good inside, you know its bad for you when it does the opposite.

Sisterlocks makes me feel so good and that's how I know that its in line with me. Its what I want to represent right now.
As for my hubby, I am glad he told me. It forced me to look at myself, and I know a lot more about me than I did before. I am actually happier with me because of it.

Because no one has the power to take joy from me anymore. That's it. I don't expect anything from him anymore. and its o.k. I will remain positive, loving, supportive, not because I'm looking for a pay-off or to manipulate: its just who I am!

I feel relieved too! I now don't do anything that makes me feel pressured and uncomfortable and that is a great space to be in one's life.


ablessedsister42 said...

I'm on your website all the time. I am totally feeling your message. Am in a similar situation. After 23 years of marriage (stopped counting when husband left a bit over 2 years ago), I've decided to pick my face and heart off of the floor and to hold my head up high. I still love my husband, but not in the same way because a part of me died that evening. It's taken me over 2 years but I am a better person because of it. I'm a better person because it took his leaving to realize that the only person I can depend on is me.
From your message, I know that you are a strong woman who has and will continue to put this incident behind you so that you may propel forward in everything that you do. Don't let the devil invade your mind with questions about the other woman because those questions will only fuel that smoldering fire within. Continue to thank God for your family, the riches of a blessed life through your business and peace and guidance to deal with whatever may come your way.

Stay blessed,

Afrinet said...

Salkis Re,

Out of the ashes, you will rise and your beauty and light will shine even more brightly. I know your pain as do so many others. I felt it come through your words, yet, I felt the relief in your sharing with the whole world. You will free and empower so many others who read your blog and are or have dealt with this situation. Thank you for that!

Our ancestors survived the middle passage, and you will survive this too. I'm glad that you haven't shriveled up in a corner and surrendered your POWER! I'm glad that you know what happened does not define you and was not about you. Of all you've said here about your feelings and your enlightenment, there's more wonderfulness you're going to discover. Understand that God shakes us up sometimes to propel us forward in our life's journey. My Sister know that there will be more disappointments committed unto you by other human beings, just continue to have FAITH and be who you ARE. In doing so, you will always attract other bright lights and forces that will cancel out the bad. I will not comment on your husband's indiscretion because it's not my business to; he knows what he did and has 'fessed up to you about it and that's what matters. I say tsk, tsk to the Sister's out there who continually deal with men who are committed, and don't say you don't know he's committed, because you do - it's called "WO"-MEN'S intuition. We ALWAYS know. And, this does not excuse the men who behave badly, either. The wounds will heal in time and you'll be just fine. If nothing, you've got your beautiful children and that's the ultimate gift to come from any union. Continue to be that STRONG Black role model for your little ladies. I support you for getting this off your chest.

KEEP your beautiful head up! Keep blogging! Keep Sisterlocking and doing the that makes "Salkis Re" happy. Be blessed, Afrinet.

Happiest Nappy said...

Salkis. I love your courage. Stay prayerful and close to God. That is what I did in my time of marital storms.

You ARE beautiful. It shines through. Be blessed!

Anonymous said...

Sometimes in life, we allow the things that are done to us to define and shape us---meaning we accept it and a way that we believe we deserve it and wear it like a badge of shame! But when we can take our tragedies and use them as stepping stones to growth and self awareness of our souls we only flourish. Salkis Re, you are bright, beautiful; resilient-keep on flourishing!!!

Locksuluv Hair Affair said...

I am so sorry for learning of this incident in your life. I went through a similar incident. My boyfriend who was in the military at the time cheated on me and I found out about the young lady when he was on the plane going back to Germany...She called me to tell me she was pregnant and that they were going to get married. While he was here on a visit(for one month), he asked for my hand in marriage from my mother, talked to my family and friends who were close to me for permission and I accepted. We even talked about eloping while he was here. Nonetheless, it never happened....We broke up and now 6 years later he is trying to make it right....I loved him back then and still do but trust issues are what's in focus right now....It is very difficult to deal with a situation like this but for me time was the catalyst for me to heal....I hope that you can heal during this time and focus on positive things that bring you joy...

whatsinthere said...

how are you now?

i think in the marriages of old these sort of things happened then. my mom (79 years old) says that they happened but you did not find out as quickly as we do in this multi-media communication age.

i pray that your marriage and your heart heals. i applaude the courage it took to share this with the world. god is good...and as always this too shall pass.

Anonymous said...

what if i have nothing to hold on to? i've been trhough a miscarriage, a cheating boyfriend, a betrayal from my father and my best friend. i don't know how to cope with all that. my self esteem is at the lowest. sometimes i scare myself finding death as the only escape from this unhappy life.
i've found this blog randomly, english is not my native language i'm sorry for the typos

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